Christmas Threw up Here.

Thankfully, I'm not dead yet.  However, I almost crashed my car driving down Broadway this evening looking at the shiny sparkling lights.  I know I have major ADD but seriously, this time it wasn't just me.  Another car ran a stop light almost causing a collision.  Thank you to UIW (University of the Incarnate Word) for the beautiful scenery.  Just a warning to all my San Antonio friends...don't drive on Broadway at night unless you want to DIE! 

UIW's website states there are over 800,000 lights on display throughout their campus.  I love pretty sparkly things, but not near major roads where people should be paying attention to driving...

According to the Fairmount hotel's website "The lights go on at sunset every night, and are open for the public to view at no cost. Every tree on the campus perimeter is covered with bright twinkling lights which come together to form a whimsical archway for sightseers to pass through."
Are they trying to lure sightseers to a whimsical fiery death?  Trees and lights are highly flammable; as are cars filled with gasoline after they crash and burn due to drivers being blinded or confused by all the decorations.  Good try San Antonio...but I'll be avoiding this Christmas spectacular at all costs. 

My dad is the real life version of Peter Griffin...

And I will prove it to you:

real life:

He doesn't have his glasses on in this picture but I can assure you when they're on it's almost spot on.

Things they have in common: corny sense of humor, fart jokes, a loving wife and children, political views.

Things they don't have in common: education (my dad has a PhD, I don't think Peter got past the fourth grade), babies with heads shaped like a football plotting world domination, talking dogs.

Ok, this was supposed to be hilarious and spot on but apparently it is not.  Maybe my dad is like a real life version of Peter if Peter was literate and could write articles like this:

http://www.americanthinker.com/2009/07/peggy_noonan_sarah_palin_jealo.html

I drew this for you...

I hope you like it.  Let's talk about the holidays, and how I can't stand most of them.  The only holiday I really enjoy is Halloween, and it's not even a real holiday.  Here is why I like Halloween:

You get to dress up, usually for multiple nights in a row, and be whatever you want.  It's pretty sweet.  This year I was a cavewoman and my friend was a t-rex.  A few years ago in Atlanta I was dressed as either roadkill or a dead hooker, depending on how you interpret yellow caution tape wrapped all over, a wife beater with tire tracks, mini skirt, and red fishnet thigh high stockings.  Here's a picture:

Ok got a little off track, because I love Halloween so so much.  Thanksgiving is fast approaching, and the only reason I enjoy this holiday is because of all the food associated with it.  I should probably have gone home to my parents in Virginia for this amazing day of all you can eat gluttony, however I am not good at planning and did not get a ticket in time.  So I'm here in Texas, trying to figure out what to do. 

Usually people adopt me during holidays, I'm guessing out of pity because they don't want me to be alone or because they love my company so so so much and just can't get enough.  I'm going to go with the former.  I will probably end up going to corpus because my bestie has enticed me with the promise of food and tampons.  Most people would be concerned about the fact that someone would drive 3 hours just to be fed, but anyone who knows me realizes it makes perfect sense.  The good thing is I am a pro at facebook stalking and may have a ride down there.  We shall see. 

I have commitment issues.

Sometimes I wish I could just pick something, enjoy it, and be like yeah this is totally what I want to do for the rest of my life.  Sadly, I am indecisive and have major commitment issues.  One minute I want to be an accountant because it seems like a good stable career, and it would be great to know how to handle money.

 This would be me if I knew how to use a calculator, was black, and had an office type job.  But then I think, no what am I really passionate about?  Horses!  I LOVEEE horses.  I would give my left arm to live and work with horses again (I had a horse when I was younger).  So then I go searching on craigslist for horse jobs, and anywhere else on the internet that there might be horse jobs.  Why?  Because this is what I picture:

 Instead of the reality which would be more like this:

So then I'm back to thinking about what other types of work I might enjoy.  I like being naked and am pretty narcissistic so maybe a model?  Yeah that might be good as a side job.  What else?  Stripper? Hmm...been there, done that, over it.  Anything else?  Oooh I know, dominatrix!  What could be better than whipping people and verbally abusing them in 6 inch platform heels? Nothing, except maybe riding horses.  Did you pick up on how both these things involve riding crops?  Exactly! It's meant to be.  Will let you know how my foray into the world of fetish goes.  Wish me luck. 

Landing Airplanes...

The best synonym for the way my brain works is probably the title of this post.  I have had various nicknames throughout my life, and one of the most recent is "420".  This is not because I am a huge stoner, on the contrary I only partake every few months, and even then I've gone years without smoking anything.  Not that I've ever smoked anything else, I abhor cigarettes and crack is wack.  Now that I'm a nurse I've gotta keep it legal anyways, so no more green, only that legal knockoff stuff. 

Anyways, the reason my co-workers gave me the nickname 420 is because I sound like I'm high 24 hours a day.  I speak slowly, probably because I was raised by a southerner, and also because thoughts move at lightening speed in my brain and it's way easier to speak slow and make sure all that drivel doesn't escape.  The only problem with this is that people think I am on drugs, because I have a tendency to skip intermediate dialogue and go right to the next sentence.  I also say "what????", "dude...", and "awesome!" on a regular basis. 

For example a conversation will go like this: Random person-"Hey, did you hear about that movie avatar? I really want to go see it." Me, "Yeah I heard it's good.  I want to go swimming!"  Random person-"What? swimming? it's 10pm and we were talking about avatar."  In my head this conversation makes complete sense, because it goes from avatar to me thinking about the color blue, to thinking about water and how nice it would be to go swimming.  To other people nothing makes any sense, and I usually have to backtrack and explain how I got from here to there, and it wastes a lot of time.  Time that could be used to put on a bathing suit and go swimming!

Most of my friends can tell when I need to take my adderall.  The problem is that I generally only take it if I'm going to work, and even then I sometimes forget to take it.  Also, I haven't been working much lately as I've been on medical leave for over a month.  I'll explain in another post.  I should probably take it on a more regular basis, but, wait...is that a unicorn?  Oh ok, no it was just a dog.